Author: The Sassy Bartender

We all have it, that one liquor we can’t drink again… Not in an “I’m never drinking again” way but in the “I may actually die if ever drink this again” way.

For me, it is tequila, remnants of a drunken night at the tender age of 17. That moment where you are at a party, sober and having fun, a bunch of your friends jump in the pool (which is why everyone, including you, brought a bathing suit) and you join them… However your boyfriend; and I use that term loosely since I don’t even remember his name, who happens to be so much more mature than you at the ripe age of 19, decides that you need to get out of the pool right now! Begrudgingly, my dumb ass got out of the pool and decided I would show him… And what better way to do that than by chugging a third of a bottle of rot gut tequila? I would love to tell myself it was at least Jose Cuervo, maybe even something actually good, but let’s be honest; I don’t remember what the hell that mistake was called! About 15 minutes after so proudly showing him who was boss, I was worshipping the porcelain god in some water closet the size of a shoe box and that went on for at least an hour. Granted the next morning, there was no hangover due to the upheaval of my insides coupled with my youth which is a win BUT from that day forward, tequila has made me want to hurl! Every time I pour a shot of tequila for a customer, I do literally back up to avoid the smell… Although I did meet a girl who literally cannot get drunk on tequila. Anything else, she can get hammered; but tequila? She becomes the queen of drinking champs! (Note to self: buy her into a tequila drinking contest and split the winnings)

For my twin, the no-go is vodka… She however drew the shit end of the stick since she is allergic to the stuff. Poor twin! She will actually be violently ill if she has just a single sip of it, which is ridiculously unfair especially since it took her years to figure out why on earth she would feel that way despite not being drunk or even tipsy. I think it has gone on as long as she has been drinking; which is more than five years for the record and thank goodness, because if you are in a bar under the age of 25 you more than likely annoy your bartender just by your sheer existence. However she is one of the most gracious and patient bar guests I know, probably because well, she has cool friends, a lot of whom are in the industry… Back to vodka, she likes it which really adds insult to injury and is kind of rude on the alcohol gods part so until they make a vodka not made of vodka she is S.O.L. as my daddy used to say (I do mean my father, not the creepy “daddy” nickname girls give their “baes” nowadays).

Then there is the inevitable “don’t mix that shit” category. We have all heard the whole “beer before liquor, never sicker”, how about don’t be a dumbass and learn from your mistakes? Wine before whiskey is a terrible idea; that is all I have to say about that. Seriously, learn from my mistakes people! Also, if you follow the whole “liquor before beer…” bullshit, let’s be honest; if you have 2 martinis followed by a shot of Fireball with a side of 4 Coors Lights and add in an IPA (because you know everything about beer) with 3 buttery nipples for dessert, then you deserve what you get! Please refer back to my statement of don’t be a dumbass. Now, for all you snots out there with your judgmental little tones thinking “Oh, she is mentioning like only the easy, stupid gross shots”, newsflash dude: that’s what morons who mix their booze like that drink; so don’t get sassy with me! (See what I did there?)

– Sassy

P.S.: Feel free to share your boozy mistakes and no-can-dos with the rest of the class. Please include examples; they are very important to the full understanding of a situation as well as laughing purposes.

Bartenders are a special breed, a nitty-gritty, blunt, funny, crude and entertaining breed! They will smile your way, insult you and make you like it, put up with your bullshit but also lend a compassionate ear when necessary, get you drunk as hell while every so often telling you to get the fuck away from them because you crossed a line they may or may not have let you in on. There are many types of bartenders but they all have one thing in common, they are not your servant! They will serve you; most of the time with a smile, try to accommodate your whims and give you recommendations but do not think for one second they are your bitch and you get to treat them as such.

I was once told there are four people you should never fuck with: your mother, your lawyer, your drug dealer and your bartender! God forbid any one person be more than one of those things to you because if my mom was my bartender she would have way too much credit when cutting me off.

After many years on both sides of the bar in many different environments, there are just so many stories, tips and rants that need to be shared; hence this blog. This is your one warning: if you are overly sensitive, can’t take a joke or a self-entitled douche please click the X on the top right side of your screen immediately because if you keep reading you may fall subject to a few side effects including (but not limited to) anger, crying, randomly yelling out that I’m rude, wanting to kick my ass and worst of all you might just realize you are that guy or gal when you are out in public and want to change your ways! If you do not fall into one of those categories: read on, have fun, get annoyed and take it all with a grain of salt, some lime and maybe a couple of shots of tequila.